So why start a blog?

So why start a blog you ask? Isn’t Facebook enough? Well, this blog is personally for me. I seem to be dealing with a lot of different emotional issues in my life lately, and for those that know me well enough you know I am not an emotional person. You know I avoid drama like the plague. And you know I avoid crying at all costs.

So… why blog? Well, it seems this last few years I’ve missed the journaling stage of my life. I miss writing poetry. I miss expressing myself through my writing (not that it’s any good mind you!). But I think I need this… for me. It seems as I’ve gotten older I’m learning a lot more about myself than I ever thought I could. I’m learning I feel a lot more than I want to admit. I’m learning I really enjoy stuffing everything inside and pretending it’s not there. Not healthy of course. Not that I have serious issues I’m stuffing away, but hey… if it’s conflict or emotional I don’t want to deal with it. So I just don’t. I tell myself to get over it and move on.

What are some of the things I’m learning you ask? Well for starters I’m more of a control freak than I ever imagined. I know some of you are laughing because you know this already. But seriously… really bad control freak. I want to control every aspect of my life down to the finest detail. And guess what? I can’t do that…. I’m slowly learning to let go and let God handle the things in my life and to trust Him to take care of everything. It’s not as easy as you might think. Especially when you’ve been trying to control your life (and occasionally those lives of my loved ones) for the last 34 years.

I was working on my study of the book of Esther tonight (for those who haven’t done Beth Moore’s study I highly recommend it) and something really popped out at me. Granted Beth is discussing the fact that King Xerxes cannot sleep, but she says

“Sometimes sleep escapes me because my mind won’t rest, I had that last cappuccino a tad too late, or my hormones are fighting over which side of the bed they want to sleep on: the sweet side or the mean side. Other times sleep escapes me because the Lord took it. He intended to keep me awake to attend to something I keep overlooking in the relentless demands of daylight.”

Lately I haven’t been sleeping well… at all. I think it’s a combination of things. Sort of a cycle probably because it seems like one thing feeds the other. If you know don’t know I have fibromyalgia. This causes my muscles to become agitated and restless. The fibromyalgia can be worse if I don’t get enough sleep or enough exercise. The muscles will also ache (kind of like growing pains when you were a kid). Hence the cycle. The muscles ache. I don’t exercise. They ache and become agitated worse. I need to sleep. I can’t sleep… so since I don’t have the rest, they hurt more. It’s an annoying little thing it is. But this isn’t the only reason I’m not sleeping. I can’t get my brain to turn off. I think about everything lately. I think about all my concerns throughout the day. And lately it’s been primarily two major concerns in my life.

Is God intending to keep me away to attend to something I’m overlooking during the daylight? Beth goes on to say “In those times when God Himself takes our sleep, His reason isn’t always a reminder or a reprimand. Sometimes He simply has something to say.” She then asks the question: How about you? When was the last time the Lord took sleep from you?

I wasn’t really sure how to answer this question. Is He taking it from me? Or is Satan because he wants me to focus on my worries? I really sat down and analyzed this and finally came to the conclusion it didn’t really matter. What I’d been learning with my lack of sleep was that I needed to trust God. I needed to trust Him with my worries. And more than anything I needed to bump up my prayer life. I haven’t been talking to Him much. I haven’t been pouring my heart out. I haven’t been telling him my worries. So I started praying at night instead. I started earnestly talking to God about everything. And the last two nights I have slept. Not perfect mind you, but I’ve slept enough that I feel rested. God is giving me the rest… in my mind, body, and spirit.

I just wish it wouldn’t have taken all the sleepless nights for me to realize the way to fall asleep.

His blessings,
Sarah