The Ponders of a SCooper

It's Tough Being a Parent

2010-03-08T21:26:00.001-08:00

So I’ve decided parenting is an emotional roller-coaster. I am so done with drama. I have never been a drama sort of girl. Hated it in Jr. High. Hated it more in High School But now it seems as though my life is filled with it, just on a different level.

There are days I cannot wait for Sean to grow up and get out of my house. I know it sounds horrible… but it’s because of times like these. Times in which I am so incredibly frustrated with the school system. Frustrated with people who want to give up on him or judge him. Frustrated with him as well.

This past week has not been very fun. For those that don’t know, our sweet boy has a couple of “issues” but hey, don’t we all? He’s bi-polar as well as has Aspergers (high functioning autism). Because of these two diagnosis’ he has some special circumstances he has to face in his day-to-day living. We, as Sean’s parents, are trying to do everything right by him. But let me tell you, it’s a very fine line between giving up and enabling him. Without being too prideful, I think we’re doing a pretty dang good job. And I only say this because of the strides we’ve seen him make since we’ve begun. So we must be doing something right! It’s just so hard when you know your child is doing good and your emotions want to play games with you because someone is telling you otherwise.

This last week he’s had a lot of challenges at school. He’s in a special program that has him “out” for only two classes during the day. The rest of the day he is in a small classroom of about 12-15 other children. He does fairly well in there and this is his first year there. Before this, he was primarily in a day-treatment school for three years with some transitioning to the high school (he was in the high school all last year, just some at the day treatment as well).

He’s done well. Very well we might add. So much so that the struggles he’s having now seem like nothing to us. In fact John and I are both tremendously proud of him and how he’s handling these struggles. The Vice Principal and his autism specialist are so proud of him. We’re so proud of him. So what’s the problem you ask? The new classroom/program he is in does not see it this way. They don’t want to deviate from their plans and their schedule and their discipline of him to praise him for these achievements. In fact today I got a phone call from a very frustrated individual pretty much telling me that my child was manipulating all of us and that he did not have a disability. I wanted to smack her.

How dare she tell me this? How dare she assume that’s what’s going on? I told her that every year after the semester switch he struggles until about April. She didn’t know that. So I told her if she’d actually read his file she might. I know my son. Yes he can be manipulative… but this was not what was going on. John and I would have been more prone to say that’s what was going on LAST year than this year. She said he doesn’t “act” autistic. Ummm hello, since when to kids on the autism spectrum fit in a freaking box??? Alas, she doesn’t believe me, she thinks I’m a whack-job parent (or at least that’s how I feel) and she’s convinced my child has the whole school system in the palm of his hands. Little does she realize the emotional struggles John and I have to deal with with Sean when he’s home and he shares what’s happened and his fear about school and failing and not getting to achieve his dreams. I was frustrated enough that after 20 minutes of being on the phone with her I had to end the conversation. After all, I seriously did want to smack her through my phone.

So why is it that people think they know what they’re talking about? Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand her frustration with him. I really do. John and I have a hard time understanding how Sean thinks half the time ourselves, so I don’t expect someone who’s known him for six months to truly understand. But what I do expect is that someone to listen to the parents. To listen to the autism specialist and Sean’s therapist. People who have been working with him for some time. To listen to the Vice Principal who deal with Sean all last year too and who is so proud of him. I expect staff at the school to know their student’s files. To know if their students are on an IEP and to FLIPPING FOLLOW IT. For crying-out-loud it’s a federally mandated requirement!! I expect staff to treat students with respect instead of just demanding it from the students and treating them like dirt. I am sick of staff attempting to use scare-tactics and power-struggles with him. I expect them to act like adults and be positive role-models for our kids. For all kids. Not just the ones who have “issues” and need a little bit of extra help.

John and I have dedicated our lives to making sure Sean has every tool possible to be a successful adult. However we understand it’s his choice to use those tools. But we will make sure he’s given a fair and appropriate education in the public school system as the law requires he is to receive. We will make sure he is treated equally and with respect. And more than anything we will always always always advocate for him when needed.

Goals I set for myself in Sept 2007

2010-03-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

I thought it'd be fun to post the goals I'd set for myself in September 2007. Some of them are pretty silly... but when it came to weight loss, they were all very important to me. I'd started this journey at 288. It's still amazing to see pictures of myself at that weight and to think I ever got that large, and didn't even see it in myself.

1. Lose enough so I can travel & sight see. achieved 06/2009
2. Start an excercise program. achieved 06/02/08
3. Have my wedding ring sized smaller. achieved 04/2008
4. Shop at Victoria's Secret. achieved 10/27/08
5. Wear high heals. achieved 01/15/09 (comfortably!)
6. Cross my legs. achieved 07/13/08
7. Cross my legs and wrap my foot around my calf. achieved 08/2009
8. Buy all clothes at a regular store, not plus sized. achieved November 2008
9. Go skydiving.
10. Be able to tie my shoes and breathe at the same time. achieved 09/14/08
11. Weigh less than my husband. achieved 05/13/08
12. Have my chest be larger than my stomach. achieved 06/23/08 (it's officially 1/4 inch bigger!)
13. Sit in the Rose Garden seats comfortably. achieved 10/10/08
14. Use a public restroom comfortably. achieved 09/12/08
15. No longer take pain medication. (although I use this much less, I still have to use it... and probably always will)
16. Look down and see my feet. (I've decided my chest is in the way, and this is a good thing)
17. Join a softball league.
18. Wear a size 14 jeans. achieved 09/19/08
19. Run a mile.
20. Walk up three flights of stairs without being winded. achieved 09/24/08
21. Wear a size 9 jeans.
22. Run a 5K.
23. To no longer wear a necklace extender. achieved 07/16/08
24. Weigh 240. This puts me at only "obese". achieved 05/06/08 (weight 238.5)
25. Weigh 233. I haven't weighed this in over 7 years. achieved 05/20/08 (weight 232.0)
26. Weigh less than 200 lbs. achieved 09/09/08 (yea yea yea!!!)
27. Weigh 180. This puts me at only "overweight". achieved 01/20/09
28. Weigh 150. This puts me at "normal".
29. Acheive my goal weight of 140 lbs.
30. Run a marathon.
31. Play tennis with my son.
32. Paint my own toe nails. achieved 04/2009
33. Have my thighs not touch.
34. Buy a large sized shirt. achieved 10/04/08
35. To see my colar bones. achieved 08/22/08
36. To be able to buy clothes at COSTCO. achieved 09/27/08

Funny how some of them I still haven't met... some of them I'm not so sure I will. When I set these goals two and a half years ago I thought of myself a lot differently... in a way I think I could do a lot more things. Like the pain meds thing... I would LOVE to be off pain meds, but reality is I will be on them for life. It's just certainly nice to take them a lot less. Play tennis with my son... well, he doesn't play any more! LOL the last one that is kind of a dissapointment is the run a marathon. I really don't think this will happen. Which is okay. I don't think my bones and my fibromyalga will be able to handle it. But I am going to make myself do the 5k... even if it's only one time. Either way, it was kind of fun to go back and see how far I've come... to see how important some things are... to see how some things just won't happen at all... and how others really don't relate to how hard I work out or eat better... because some things will simply require plastic surgery now that I have all this excess "skin". Either way... I'm proud of myself.

Something that got me thinking

2010-02-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

As a lot of you know I went on a little trip by myself last month for six days. It was wonderful going and visiting my family and friend. But while I was down there I did a lot of thinking and praying and in all honestly became more and more thankful for the place in which I live.

You know a lot of times I hear people come back from missions trips and talk about how “fortunate we are” to have what we have here in America. I believe that, I truly do. However, have you ever stopped to really ponder how fortunate you may have it here in America… versus other American’s?? Seriously. I’m not talking just about the monetary things, the income, homes, cars, family etc. I’m talking about what we have as Christians.

Being where I was made me so thankful to live in my town of Dallas, Oregon. I take for granted the small things… let’s start small here.

Wine. I love my wine. I love how I live in the valley and can go wine tasting on a weekend and easily hit three or four wineries in a ten mile radius. To be exact, there are eight wineries I know of in a ten mile radius of my home alone. What if I lived somewhere where this wasn’t the case? I honestly am not sure there are any wineries where I was.

Coffee. I love my coffee. Probably more than my wine lol. But seriously. In my tiny town alone of nearly 16,000 people I can hit six different coffee stands. Where I was, in the city of 83,000 people, there were seven coffee stands; and from what I hear the majority of them are yucky. Two of them are Starbucks. I have two Starbucks alone.

Christian Churches. I love my church family with a passion and don’t know what I’d do with out them. But it got me thinking about the time when we were “church shopping”. I remember going through the phone book looking for all the churches that would fall into Christian or Non-Denominational. In this city of 83,000 people there are about a half dozen church I would consider going to. The vast majority of churches in this city are not Christian churches.

Which leads me to my next category. Christian music. I have the blessing of turning on my radio and choosing for at least six radio stations (that I can think of!) that play straight Christian music. SIX! My friend says she knows of one down there; and it doesn’t come in very strong. I can rock out whenever I want and have a choice as to what station I want to listen to.

Christian bookstores. I saw one bookstore while I was on my visit. For some reason I almost cried. The bookstore was almost hidden. Granted it’s in an older part of town in which they are trying to “revive” but one. One lonely store. We have them in our malls. Across from our malls. No, we don’t have a lot. But again, we have choices.

I know coffee and wine are not big deals. I know they really have nothing to do with Christianity, but they do play into the main religion where I was at. They are big “no no’s” and therefore are not readily available to people as they are here. But seriously, I was thinking about this… about all the things I have that I should be thankful for… that I should be grateful for. Yes I am thankful I am an American and live in America. But I am also thankful to live in a town that allows Christian release time at our public schools. That allows plays that have a Christian under-tone. That allows Pastors to come and pray with the Jr. High and High School children and to lead Bible Studies. I’m thankful I live where there are so many youth who love to worship Christ and are not afraid to show it.

How sad to not have this luxury as we have it. How sad to live in a city where being a Christian is not embraced, and rather shunned? How sad that you wouldn’t have the choices that we have living where we live. It’s not just third world countries that don’t hear the Gospel. It’s some of our own towns and people and friends and families. It’s those we love and care for. It’s one of the main reasons I spent so long praying on my flight down there. I wanted desperately to show Christ’s love to people while I was there. To show them the true meaning of Christ and what He did for us. I just hope I did a good enough job and glorified Him in the process.

Best Friend

2010-01-04T13:06:00.000-08:00

So the other day someone asked me who my best friend was. Hmmm an interesting question for an adult to get. But it got me thinking. Honestly? I have three, and all for very different and similar reasons.

Of course my husband is my best friend. If John weren’t one of my best friends I wouldn’t be able to be married to him. He is amazing. I can talk to him about virtually anything… well, almost. :) There are just some things a girl can’t talk to her husband about and there are of course things he’d rather not hear about. I can always have fun with him… we can do simple things like drive around, go window shopping, etc. We have a lot of same likes in books, movies, and activities. But then again… those are things you probably should have with your spouse. John is my inspiration in many things. John. He’s my rock. He’s my hero. He’s my stability. He’s my best friend.

Melissa. Wow, who would have ever thought my sister would end up being my best friend. It’s amazing what time can do. If you would have known us when we were younger you would have thought we could never end up where we are now. It’s funny how I feel like her hour-and-a-half drive time is too far away. But I think it helps keep a balance on our friendship. My sister is someone who knows more about me than probably anyone else. She’s been there and seen a lot of my hard times, she’s seen the stupid things I’ve done, she’s seen what I once was and what I’ve now become. And she still loves me. Because of our past she is my go-to person when I get frustrated with family, my own insecurities, my own control-type tendencies, or just because. I know I can go to her with the words “I know this is just me, but I need to vent” and she knows what I am saying. She’s my girl to shop with. She loves a good bargain just like I do and we like typically the same stores. She’s also smart in her finances… probably smarter than I am :). We have similar fears, similar issues, and because of this she’s the only one who can know how I truly feel on certain subjects when others may think I’m overreacting. Melissa. She’s my confidant. She’s my party girl. She’s my shoulder to cry on. She’s my best friend.

And finally Stephanie. Stephanie and I have known each other for nine years now. When I first met her I thought there was no way I could ever be friends with her. LOL Funny how God uses those first impressions to also show us how wrong we can be. I’ll never forget when John and I went to her and Ron’s house for dinner that first time. I did NOT want to go. But guess what? I did NOT want to leave once we were there. It’s been that way ever since. Stephanie is someone who I strive to be more like. Her relationship with Christ is something I strive to have be similar. Her dedication is amazing. I often read or listen to her and am blown away by her knowledge and wisdom. What I love is she speaks so candidly. Stephanie is open and honest and tells it like it is. Which is why she’s my best friend. Stephanie will tell me if I’m being stupid. Stephanie holds me accountable in the areas that I desire and sometimes in the areas I don’t want her to but I need. She is the person I go to when I have an argument with John. Why? Because she just listens. She doesn’t confirm what I’m feeling, but she helps me try to see things on a different side and helps me get over my anger with John. She’s the person who knows what my life was like before becoming a Christian and what that was like because she was there. She’s the one I can stay up and talk for hours with about serious issues and yet two seconds later turn completely silly with. She's the one I can talk to when I have problems with Sean. She understands and she can relate in a way to what I'm going through. She gives me insight as to what he's going through. She's often more of a life-saver than she realizes. Stephanie. She’s my example. She’s my retreat buddy. She’s my prayer warrior. She’s my best friend.

Honestly I could go on and on about each of them. I found once I started on the next one I’d see how much the pervious individual matched some of the same characteristics. I love them all. I love them because they love me… as wacky and unstable as I can be! They love me for me

2009 is nearly over

2009-12-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

Well it’s the final week of 2009. My how the year has gone so quickly. It seems like just the other day it was freezing outside and I was stressed out about getting to La Grande for Christmas because of all the ice. Only, that was a year ago!

So, since it’s a new year several people have asked me what my New Years Resolutions are. Honestly… I haven’t put too much thought into this because I can’t remember ever having one that I’ve kept/fulfilled. I mean I always have the basics… pray more… read my Bible more… and lose weight. But this time I’ve decided I’m going to put more thought into it and make realistic goals.

Rather than “lose weight” I’m asking myself to lose the last 35 lbs by the end of summer. This means I have to lose approximately 0.8 lbs a week. Not much, but completely realistic.

I want to start an exercise program. Something I can afford, and will enjoy, but not something I can get bored at easily. So, I was debating a wii fit, but changed my mind. I am going with the floor mat, hand weights and good ol DVD’s. AAAAHHH you say, DVD’s get boring… well, not when you have Netflix and there is a huge array of exercise DVD’s I can have at my house and keep for an unlimited amount of time. I will more than likely increase my usage from 3 at a time, to 4 at a time just so I don’t mess with the amount we use at home.

I want to be less organized and anal. Yes I said that. Sometimes I think I’m too organized … and that causes grief for me because there is little flexibility for other things. We’ll see how this works…because I don’t have any clue how to implement it. I think it’s my nature and just the way I was born!

We’ll see how these all work out as I try to implement them. Just pray I can follow through and not be such a lazy girl.

Christmas is just around the corner!

2009-12-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

Christmas is just around the corner and I’m sooo excited this year! The funny thing is, I’m not even sure exactly why! Maybe it’s because we’re done shopping and I can just sit back and enjoy everything!

Today John and I got off work about four hours early so we could get a few things done in the day-light, like get the Christmas lights up!!! But get this, we’re not done. No it’s not because we have a bazillion lights like Clark Griswald. It’s because Christmas light stink now-a-days! Seriously! Why is it that every year I have to buy new lights? They are always the specialty lights too! Last year, new icicle lights. The year before? New icicle lights. It’s these ones the most that drive me nuts. You can’t replace the bulbs because nine times out of ten you can’t figure out which one is broken! So you think well I’ll just go get one new set, they’re only seven or eight bucks. Then you go to the store. You buy the set you think looks like yours. Get home…. Nope. They’re too short. Or too long. Aren’t the same color of white. Don’t twinkle the same. Either way, they don’t match, and you’re stuck… because alas you cannot locate a set that is exactly like yours. Why you ask? Probably because the dumb light-makers know this and do it intentionally so you have to buy a whole flippin butt-load again!!! Errr. So this year? The icicle lights are coming off and we have regular lights up!!! Yay!!! But we only got the strip along the house done, the window, and our snow-flakes up, because it got too dark because of too much time at the stores!!

Onto other Christmas things… we got our first Christmas card today! Yay!!! Amy & Dave Bertolini were the winners! Usually I already have mine out… I honestly try to mail them out the first couple days of the month. I’ve been a slacker so far and haven’t even addressed the envelopes or purchased stamps (bad me!)! But I love getting Christmas cards. It’s one of the few times in life where it’s fun checking the mail! Not to mention I use them to decorate up my closet door in the living room. It’s so fun to see how full it gets! Every year I take a picture and compare it. This year I want to try something new with our Christmas cards. I read about it in a magazine once. After you take down your cards… you keep them and don’t throw them away. Every night for the next however long it takes, you pull one card from the stack and throw it away. But not before you first pray over the family or company that sent you the card. What an awesome idea!!

Speaking of new things I’m doing this Christmas season… I’m baking a ton of cookies! Or, well, maybe a ton! I was talking with a couple ladies at work today and we decided to do a Christmas cookie exchange. We sent a slip around the office to see if anyone else wanted to participate! FUN! If you don’t know what one of these is, it’s where each person in the group bakes a dozen cookies for all the others in the group. So, if there are five people participating…you bake five dozen cookies. But you bake all the same kind. And they must be homemade. Then, you each end up with five dozen different cookies when you’re all done! We’re doing it slightly different as in once it reaches six participants we’re doing a half dozen for each person. If we get more than a dozen I think we’re doing four cookies per person. In an office of 34 people… I am not risking making 34 dozen cookies! The beauty of this is if someone doesn’t do it, it doesn’t hurt too much!

So as you can see…I’m really starting to get in the Christmas spirit. I love this time of year…and I love being able to have friends and family over…celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus!

His Blessings!

the Bestest Husband!

2009-11-24T18:55:00.000-08:00

I think I have the best husband out there! Now ladies, I know you may think your hubby is the best… but you’re wrong. ;) Mine is! Last year was our 10th anniversary and John was unemployed. So we didn’t do much, we did stay at the coast in a friends beach house (as it’d already been paid for before the job loss). But we just stayed in and watched TV and visited for four days. He wants to make it up to me for this year so he just booked our Anniversary combination Birthday weekend! Yay!! Yes, our anniversary isn’t until May and the weekend isn’t until June… but I’m excited! I get to be pampered!!!

We will be stay at McMenamins Grand Lodge in Forest Grove. It’s beautiful. It was built in 1922 as a Masonic & Eastern Star Home and was purchased and remodeled by McMenamins in 2000. We will arrive on Friday evening to enjoy the romance package. Complete with a bottle of sparkling wine, keepsake champagne flutes, massage oils and chocolates! Saturday am we will enjoy a complementary breakfast in one of the two restaurants onsite. Later that afternoon we will each enjoy separate 60-min massages via the spa-package. I also get to have a facial and possibly a pedicure The following morning, Sunday, we will enjoy another complementary breakfast in the restaurant and then head off to some wine touring via the tour and taste package! After wine tasting we will enjoy a complementary dinner with a free glass of wine each. Yum! Only to have to come home Monday morning. :( But alas… I am sure I will find time to take a visit to their soaking pool as well! *sigh* I am excited!!!

Now, if only I can wait six and a half more months.

So why start a blog?

2009-11-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

So why start a blog you ask? Isn’t Facebook enough? Well, this blog is personally for me. I seem to be dealing with a lot of different emotional issues in my life lately, and for those that know me well enough you know I am not an emotional person. You know I avoid drama like the plague. And you know I avoid crying at all costs.

So… why blog? Well, it seems this last few years I’ve missed the journaling stage of my life. I miss writing poetry. I miss expressing myself through my writing (not that it’s any good mind you!). But I think I need this… for me. It seems as I’ve gotten older I’m learning a lot more about myself than I ever thought I could. I’m learning I feel a lot more than I want to admit. I’m learning I really enjoy stuffing everything inside and pretending it’s not there. Not healthy of course. Not that I have serious issues I’m stuffing away, but hey… if it’s conflict or emotional I don’t want to deal with it. So I just don’t. I tell myself to get over it and move on.

What are some of the things I’m learning you ask? Well for starters I’m more of a control freak than I ever imagined. I know some of you are laughing because you know this already. But seriously… really bad control freak. I want to control every aspect of my life down to the finest detail. And guess what? I can’t do that…. I’m slowly learning to let go and let God handle the things in my life and to trust Him to take care of everything. It’s not as easy as you might think. Especially when you’ve been trying to control your life (and occasionally those lives of my loved ones) for the last 34 years.

I was working on my study of the book of Esther tonight (for those who haven’t done Beth Moore’s study I highly recommend it) and something really popped out at me. Granted Beth is discussing the fact that King Xerxes cannot sleep, but she says

“Sometimes sleep escapes me because my mind won’t rest, I had that last cappuccino a tad too late, or my hormones are fighting over which side of the bed they want to sleep on: the sweet side or the mean side. Other times sleep escapes me because the Lord took it. He intended to keep me awake to attend to something I keep overlooking in the relentless demands of daylight.”

Lately I haven’t been sleeping well… at all. I think it’s a combination of things. Sort of a cycle probably because it seems like one thing feeds the other. If you know don’t know I have fibromyalgia. This causes my muscles to become agitated and restless. The fibromyalgia can be worse if I don’t get enough sleep or enough exercise. The muscles will also ache (kind of like growing pains when you were a kid). Hence the cycle. The muscles ache. I don’t exercise. They ache and become agitated worse. I need to sleep. I can’t sleep… so since I don’t have the rest, they hurt more. It’s an annoying little thing it is. But this isn’t the only reason I’m not sleeping. I can’t get my brain to turn off. I think about everything lately. I think about all my concerns throughout the day. And lately it’s been primarily two major concerns in my life.

Is God intending to keep me away to attend to something I’m overlooking during the daylight? Beth goes on to say “In those times when God Himself takes our sleep, His reason isn’t always a reminder or a reprimand. Sometimes He simply has something to say.” She then asks the question: How about you? When was the last time the Lord took sleep from you?

I wasn’t really sure how to answer this question. Is He taking it from me? Or is Satan because he wants me to focus on my worries? I really sat down and analyzed this and finally came to the conclusion it didn’t really matter. What I’d been learning with my lack of sleep was that I needed to trust God. I needed to trust Him with my worries. And more than anything I needed to bump up my prayer life. I haven’t been talking to Him much. I haven’t been pouring my heart out. I haven’t been telling him my worries. So I started praying at night instead. I started earnestly talking to God about everything. And the last two nights I have slept. Not perfect mind you, but I’ve slept enough that I feel rested. God is giving me the rest… in my mind, body, and spirit.

I just wish it wouldn’t have taken all the sleepless nights for me to realize the way to fall asleep.

His blessings,
Sarah